my first

[honeyk]

dont be so easily discouraged..you have some good things in there...you try to incorrperate different senses (touch, smell, taste)..which really makes a difference in poetry, however....they are really basic. try to elaborate on those different senses (dont used generic words like taste and smell, or if you do, take them further with a metaphor...) for example, taste doesnt tell me anything....tastes like what? felt how? try exanding your work...but the point is KEEP TRYING

------------------

[Hannibal]

This is like a Novella of poetry. A novella as opposed to a novel, is a condensed verstion of a book, much shorter in length. And this poem strikes me as just that. The end is a little lacking yes, but the rest of the poetry has a TON of room to grow. If this is your first attempt, you should be commended. It was/is a very good poem to start on, with tons of room for improvement. But the improvements need not be complex.
This is solid, keep it up.
Keep posting, try more.

------------------
As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.
Word And Voice
Motocross Fanatics
General Philosophy

[mind]

I just found this forum about a half our ago and I think I'm going to make my first attempt at poetry. Tell me what you think...be honest.

i see you
walking through my mind
in a stranger's eyes
sitting here beside me

i can touch you
feel you
i can smell you
taste you

then i listen
and hear nothing

fear, panic, pain
where are you?




[This message has been edited by mind (edited December 05, 2001).]

[mind]

The more I read it the more I dislike it. The ending is bad.

------------------
Her glossed eyes melt me

[mind]

Yeah it was my first attempt ever. I stumbled on the forum looking for car forums...ha ha. So I took 5 minutes to try and describe a feeling.

My ex-girlfriend used to write me wonderful pieces so I have somewhat of an interest. I like reading other's work better than writing I think...but I may try again.